(3) Jubilee Pritchard, 39

Jubilee Pritchard, 39, always seemed to be a happy person, even as a little kid. Jubilee is one of the most famous speakers on positivity and motivation in the world. She travels the world every year giving talks and workshops. She’s been on every popular talk show, radio show, and podcast around. But Jubi has a secret, a deep, dark secret. She’s always been depressed and unhappy. She’s even attempeted suicide. But when she’s in public she thinks of herself as an actor. A very good actor.

(2) Carol Temper, 51

Carol Temper, 51.

Carol used to be overweight but lost over 100 pounds. She still wears long sleeves because of excess skin. Her husband left her for her friend and she’s now forced to get a part-time job at a craft store, on top of the full-time job at an office where all the girls hate her because she’s so miserable. She has greasy, stringy hair, a big bump on her nose, and skin so pale you can see veins in her cheeks. The girls in the office tried to include her in their group and gave her a makeover, but she hated it (even though she looked fantastic). She’s gotten written up because of customer service complaints, so now she does the bare minimum at work. She got the house in the divorce, but it’s dusty and old and filled with her silver spoon collections.

(1) Danny Mattice, 43

Danny Mattice, 43, short, slightly overweight; obsessively picks his teeth with anything he can find: matchbook covers, a fork, someone else’s toothbrush, a postcard, a pen, a bookmark in a bookstore, a dinner napkin, corner of a kid’s book, a bobby pin, a dollar bill, a shoelace from his dirty sneaker, a nail, a headphone jack…He can’t understand why his first dates never turn into second dates.